Sunday, January 22, 2012

Dear Mike Rowe...

Dear Mike Rowe,

Have I got a "Dirty Job" for you! My 15-year-old daughter is a beautiful, brilliant girl, but she is also a total slob. Her standards of cleanliness are at the opposite end of the spectrum from mine. She has no problem living in a bedroom with clothes everywhere and an inch of dog fur covering the portions of nail polish-, tea- and soda-stained carpet not covered by clothes. Her dresser drawers contain piles of randomly rummaged-through clothes, empty gum packs, and other junk. But her bedroom is relatively neat compared to her bathroom. 

Alana's "Clean" Bathroom - Her response to, "In what universe
is this vanity 'clean'!?":  "You didn't see it before." 
The bathroom looks like a science experiment gone horribly wrong. Let's start with the vanity. Random bottles, tubes, bobby pins, used Q-tips and cotton balls (that haven't fallen on the floor or "missed" the garbage can) litter the lovely gray formica, along with random strands of long, John-Frieda-deep-cherry-brown hair that is semi-permanently stuck there. 

Moving on to the floor. More hair, more used Q-tips, cotton balls, and bobby pins. Normally piles of dirty towels, clothes and underwear, plus the random hanger. 

About the toilet, I won't go in to graphic detail. But, lets just say that the toilet in the Exxon station in Ludowici, Georgia LOOKED cleaner. (I'm sure it had a much larger (and scarier) colony of bacteria and viruses growing on it, but it was more inviting.)

Now to the shower. In a word - "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!" When I opened it this morning, I nearly vomited. It is incomprehensible that anyone other than someone who has absolutely no other options would shower here. I would feel dirtier AFTER my shower. I think I'd rather bathe in the canal. A stiff washcloth that has probably been there since summer hangs from the shower hose alongside a bath puff that I wouldn't use to clean the toilet, much less my body. Clumps of cherry-brown hair are stuck to the tile walls (I'm not kidding about this), and the bottom corners are black with mildew that I expect a creature to materialize from at any moment. The shower floor is littered with empty shampoo and conditioner bottles (the garbage can is literally 3 feet away), old, rusty razors, and more hair. Even the poor scrub brush, that has lived there for months, has become a science experiment. I almost feel sorry for it!

Guest bathroom vanity AFTER it had been cleaned,
then Alana got ready for her concert
She has taken to using her brother's (the guest) bathroom to do her hair and makeup, so I know that she's not completely comfortable using her own (of course, the guest bathroom has more room). HOWEVER, there is a downside to this. Once she started using the guest bathroom...guess what happened. It too started looking like it belongs in Oscar the Grouch's trash can. Just yesterday, I asked her to straighten it up (which, to her credit, she did). By the end of the day, however, she used the vanity again, and you can see what it looked like after she did. 

My mother always tells me that, as the mom, I should clean her room and bathroom (as she did mine growing up). Maybe she's right, maybe she's wrong. The big difference here is that my mom didn't have to work (and I wasn't a total slob either), and I work full-time (and my daughter is a total slob). There have been times that I just couldn't take it anymore, donned rubber gloves and a contractor-grade trash bag as a dress and scrubbed her bathroom until it was spotless. It stayed that way for maybe three days. After that, I generally try to avoid entering "the pen." When I do, it induces the old "fight or flight" response. I choose FLIGHT!

So, Mike, are you up to the challenge? Oh, by the way, if you are looking for a new "partner in grime," I'm your woman. ;)
Image courtesy of FanPop!

With Love and Aloha~Nancy


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  2. Oh my. Not that I actually think you might be exagerating here, but that same young lady who got ready in that soon to be condemned by the health department mess, attended a concert, sweated in the pit, and then came to my house and slept in my bed with me and Kayla. Amazingly, I didn't smell anything foul coming from her side of the bed. And I changed the sheets this morning, as I do every Sunday morning, and from your description, I would have expected a body print on my sheets. But no, just sheet with a little pollo tropical black beans from when MY daughter decided to eat her tropichop in MY bed. Next time, I will make sure to spray her with Lysol before I let her sleep at my house. :)

    Seriously, your daughter is delightful, polite, and sweet. If being a messy teenager is her only fault, then I think you are a lucky mom!!

  3. Thank you, Roberta. She really is a good girl and I love her with all of my heart. I just wish she'd pick up after herself every now and then. :)